In the words of Noddy Holder off of Slade “IT’S CHRISTMAS!” and there’s no way the world will let you forget about it. So come on lads, lets get the tinsel out, buy some underwhelming presents for your nan and get into the Christmas spirit.

Given the nature of the season it seems right to tackle that great bastion of songwriting: The Christmas Banger. And lets face it, nothing says “annual celebration of the birth of a bloke who may or may not be the Messiah and probably wasn’t born on this date anyway” like Walking In The Air.

Originally sung by choirboy Peter Auty for the classic animated film The Snowman, Walking In The Air was later recorded by Aled Jones who hasn’t done anything interesting since but is for some reason still slightly famous. Many people are under the illusion that Walking In The Air is about the scene in The Snowman in which the boy and his magical eponymous snowman fly through the sky, and while superficially this may be the case, once you dig a little deeper the truth is unleashed.

We’re walking in the air
We’re floating in the moonlit sky
The people far below are sleeping as we fly

The snowman and the boy are in fact the original sesh gremlins of the highest order. The whole song is a scarcely veiled metaphor for getting off one’s tits, carefully packaged for a family audience. This gurnsome twosome are kicking it way into the early hours, long after everyone else has retired to the land of nod. As this child and his snowy sidekick fly in a mist of powders and amphetamines “the people far below are sleeping”.

“Villages go by like dreams” and they start declaring their deep love and respect for one another.

Boy: mate

Snowman: yes mate

Boy: I’m finding I can fly so high above with you man, like higher than anyone else and I just want you to know that you’re the sickest person I know

Snowman: yeah same man

Boy: safe

Then suddenly, after some more serious highs, the trip takes a darker turn…

Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep
Rising up a mighty monster from its sleep

The “snow” man starts to feel the weirder effects of the white substance he’s been dealing out willy nilly. One minute he’s having a mad one with his best mate, the next he’s tripping balls, like sea monster hallucination level what the fuck is that coming out of the wall please help ah I can’t stop it don’t want to be high any more I just want my mum

Then he has some water and a sit down and feels a lot better, so they start singing the chorus into the 5am darkness once more…

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