7 Ways To Cope With The Upcoming Apocalypse

It’s no secret that we are entering into an period of political, social and environmental unrest. As the four horsemen approach, here are some top tips for how to deal with impending armageddon.

1. Activism/Hacktivism/Schmacktivism

An important way of coping with inevitable disaster is protest, or at least the semblance of protest. Attend rallies, get involved with activist groups, share factually questionable memes in the echo chamber of social media. Whatever helps provide you with the illusion of agency.

2. Sleeping pills

I like it when I sleep for the world is horrible yet I’m so unaware of it.

3. Holding onto the ones you love so tight that breathing becomes a struggle and you realise that your fear is hurting the very people that you love the most but still you keep squeezing tighter and tighter, the suffocation of terror choking your bodies.

4. Balanced diet and exercise

It’s important to be in peak physical condition if you want to be in with a chance of escaping the zombie Trump-bots during the end of days.

5. Fill the aching void in your soul with fleeting moments of intimacy

Please god don’t let me die alone.

6. Pretend nothing’s happening whilst existential angst twists your insides into horrible double knots, the kind you accidentally tied in your shoelaces when you were a kid and spent hours trying to unpick but ended up having to use scissors to cut the laces

Doom? What doom? *Cries self to sleep*

7. Remember that in the context of the wider universe our problems are inconsequential

The universe is an ever expanding ball of energy and atoms within a greater multiverse that stretches the capacity of human comprehension. Maybe if we all stopped and remembered how small and insignificant we are every once in a while a few egos would deflate and our comparably petty worries would fade into the oblivion from which we were born.

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What Do You Mean: S Club 7 – Reach

Much like the renegade master, I am back once again after a week off (last weekend involved a little too much ill behaviour). Keeping it within the early noughties, I am delving deep into the best seven piece band ever manufactured by record label hotshots, cos hey, there really ain’t no party like an S Club party.

S Club 7 were an aspirational tour de force. When they said don’t stop movin’ you realised you didn’t particularly enjoy being stationary anyway. When they lamented that they’d never had a dream true, your young brain mourned the fact that that dream you had about your cat learning to fly never came to fruition (oh Tiddles, if only). And when they told you to reach for the stars… Well…

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