7 Ways To Cope With The Upcoming Apocalypse

It’s no secret that we are entering into an period of political, social and environmental unrest. As the four horsemen approach, here are some top tips for how to deal with impending armageddon.

1. Activism/Hacktivism/Schmacktivism

An important way of coping with inevitable disaster is protest, or at least the semblance of protest. Attend rallies, get involved with activist groups, share factually questionable memes in the echo chamber of social media. Whatever helps provide you with the illusion of agency.

2. Sleeping pills

I like it when I sleep for the world is horrible yet I’m so unaware of it.

3. Holding onto the ones you love so tight that breathing becomes a struggle and you realise that your fear is hurting the very people that you love the most but still you keep squeezing tighter and tighter, the suffocation of terror choking your bodies.

4. Balanced diet and exercise

It’s important to be in peak physical condition if you want to be in with a chance of escaping the zombie Trump-bots during the end of days.

5. Fill the aching void in your soul with fleeting moments of intimacy

Please god don’t let me die alone.

6. Pretend nothing’s happening whilst existential angst twists your insides into horrible double knots, the kind you accidentally tied in your shoelaces when you were a kid and spent hours trying to unpick but ended up having to use scissors to cut the laces

Doom? What doom? *Cries self to sleep*

7. Remember that in the context of the wider universe our problems are inconsequential

The universe is an ever expanding ball of energy and atoms within a greater multiverse that stretches the capacity of human comprehension. Maybe if we all stopped and remembered how small and insignificant we are every once in a while a few egos would deflate and our comparably petty worries would fade into the oblivion from which we were born.

Students shocked that woman has VAGINA

Students were left stunned recently upon discovering that their female teacher did in fact possess genitalia. The grand reveal occurred in a drama class, prompting uproar amongst the sensitive artistic types who all swooned in unison. One student claims to have cried themselves to sleep that night, whilst another gibbering wreck revealed ā€œIā€™d never seen one before, I thought it might eat me!ā€

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