What Do You Mean: Vengaboys – We’re Going To Ibiza

Ah summertime. The living is easy, the cotton is high and the beach holidays are rife. Nothing says “sunshine and other summery stuff” quite like the Vengaboys. However contrary to popular belief, their timeless pop hit ‘We’re Going To Ibiza’ has nothing to do with any of this.

The oft repeated line “Ooh we’re going to Ibiza” is in fact a euphemistic term for entering into a period of existential personal crisis, along the same lines as your cat “going to a farm” when you were 6 was a euphemism for it being taken to the vet to be euthanised. Your cat’s dead Tom, stop pulling over at every farm you drive past and shouting “Helen!” until your throat gets sore and you end up crying in a hedge.

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What Do You Mean: Harry Styles – Sign Of The Times

Just like our house goldfish, this feature has been resurrected from near death. The tank’s had a good scrub and it’s gotten used to the new food, so here comes a fresh lease of life. You could say that it’s a Sign Of The Times…

Oh Harry Styles. The one with the hair has all grown up since his not-so-distant boyband days. His first venture into solo life was a secret so carefully guarded that the only version of the finished track was kept on a single iPod watched over by a three-headed Louis Walsh. With fan anticipation nearing blue hot hysteria, the release of Sign Of The Times signalled a bright new era for Harry Styles with slightly more guitars in. This slow burning soft rock ballad is his chance to prove himself as a Serious Artist™, an opportunity to face up to his critics with a song about confronting adult concerns like communication, regret and death.

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7 Ways To Cope With The Upcoming Apocalypse

It’s no secret that we are entering into an period of political, social and environmental unrest. As the four horsemen approach, here are some top tips for how to deal with impending armageddon.

1. Activism/Hacktivism/Schmacktivism

An important way of coping with inevitable disaster is protest, or at least the semblance of protest. Attend rallies, get involved with activist groups, share factually questionable memes in the echo chamber of social media. Whatever helps provide you with the illusion of agency.

2. Sleeping pills

I like it when I sleep for the world is horrible yet I’m so unaware of it.

3. Holding onto the ones you love so tight that breathing becomes a struggle and you realise that your fear is hurting the very people that you love the most but still you keep squeezing tighter and tighter, the suffocation of terror choking your bodies.

4. Balanced diet and exercise

It’s important to be in peak physical condition if you want to be in with a chance of escaping the zombie Trump-bots during the end of days.

5. Fill the aching void in your soul with fleeting moments of intimacy

Please god don’t let me die alone.

6. Pretend nothing’s happening whilst existential angst twists your insides into horrible double knots, the kind you accidentally tied in your shoelaces when you were a kid and spent hours trying to unpick but ended up having to use scissors to cut the laces

Doom? What doom? *Cries self to sleep*

7. Remember that in the context of the wider universe our problems are inconsequential

The universe is an ever expanding ball of energy and atoms within a greater multiverse that stretches the capacity of human comprehension. Maybe if we all stopped and remembered how small and insignificant we are every once in a while a few egos would deflate and our comparably petty worries would fade into the oblivion from which we were born.

What Do You Mean: The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk – Starboy

For as long as there have been artists, there have been artists dealing with feelings of otherness and alienation. In the corner of that famous cave painting in France is a lone stick figure, away from the rest, complaining about how no one understands them. Art and outsiders go together like butter and crumpets, one oozing through the other in a delicious melding of medium and matter.

 

From this ancient heritage comes global R&B megastar The Weeknd, who began his career as an enigma. According to Noisey, he’s really opened up on his latest album Starboy, the whole thing revealing many of the ‘I Can’t Feel My Face’ singer’s hitherto unknown secrets. The title track contains thinly veiled allusions to his greatest secret of all: that he is not of this planet.

 

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What Do You Mean: Walking in the Air

In the words of Noddy Holder off of Slade “IT’S CHRISTMAS!” and there’s no way the world will let you forget about it. So come on lads, lets get the tinsel out, buy some underwhelming presents for your nan and get into the Christmas spirit.

Given the nature of the season it seems right to tackle that great bastion of songwriting: The Christmas Banger. And lets face it, nothing says “annual celebration of the birth of a bloke who may or may not be the Messiah and probably wasn’t born on this date anyway” like Walking In The Air.

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What Do You Mean: Louisa Johnson – So Good

After the misadventures to the noughties over the past few weeks, I’m rolling the clock forward all the way to the present day. This week’s offering comes courtesy of our glorious leader Simon Cowell by way of his latest reality show progeny Louisa Johnson and her single So Good. Currently setting the charts aflame at number 18, this track explores an issue close to my heart: the repercussions of accidentally going out.

 

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What Do You Mean: S Club 7 – Reach

Much like the renegade master, I am back once again after a week off (last weekend involved a little too much ill behaviour). Keeping it within the early noughties, I am delving deep into the best seven piece band ever manufactured by record label hotshots, cos hey, there really ain’t no party like an S Club party.

S Club 7 were an aspirational tour de force. When they said don’t stop movin’ you realised you didn’t particularly enjoy being stationary anyway. When they lamented that they’d never had a dream true, your young brain mourned the fact that that dream you had about your cat learning to fly never came to fruition (oh Tiddles, if only). And when they told you to reach for the stars… Well…

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